Leaders Questions

Apr
2017
04

Dáil Issues, Health, Leaders Questions

Features

 

a poem by Kevin Higgins

In the income tax arena

I am introducing a scheme:

 

whereby a fifty year old man

living in, for example,

Galway, will still be able to claim

for his increasingly rickety right knee

here in Ireland, but allowed register,

for tax purposes,

his far more profitable left leg in Jersey.

 

He’ll be able to claim relief here on his wonky eye

but will only have to pay tax on the good one

at whatever the rate is in Luxembourg.

 

His three sets of dentures, all twenty six

fillings and those two root canals

will continue to be deductible here,

though he’ll now pay tax

on what’s left of his actual

teeth in Bermuda.

 

The good fifty percent of his lungs

he’ll be allowed set up

as an independent company

in the British Virgin Islands,

while the useless half will legally

continue to be Irish.

 

His nausea will remain ours,

though his enormous appetite

will now officially live on the more

glutton-friendly Isle of Man.

 

His beleaguered liver will continue

to be officially resident here,

while his still superefficient

bowels will spend enough time in Switzerland

to pay (hardly any) tax there.

 

The scar above his left buttock,

acquired when he toppled through a glass door

backwards, circa nineteen seventy three,

will continue to be deductible here,

while the balance of his bum –

in surprisingly good condition for a man his age,

though he says so himself – declares

its vast income at an office

in Wilmington, Delaware.

 

Elsewhere, I am extending the relief on brown leather

trousers and industrial strength lawnmowers

for fat couples with Anglo-Norman sounding names

in the better bits of Kildare for another five years.

There is agreement across the political consensus

it’s essential such people are given sufficient incentives

to keep doing

whatever it is they supposedly do.

 

KEVIN HIGGINS

Committees, Justice, National

Dáil Issues, Defence, Oral Questions