I Am Pleased To Congratulate On Behalf Of The People Of Ireland

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after Enda Kenny

 

Donald J. Duck on his election

as forty fifth, and possibly final,

President of that great entity

traditionally known as the United

States which, admittedly,

by the time he’s finished with it,

will likely be called something else.

 

In the heat of battle President-elect

Duck has said things

which have left him with bridges to build

with certain people, such as Mexican

transsexuals, and women

who don’t want him,

or anyone politically

associated with him even thinking

about grabbing their

vaginas, or the vaginas of their

friends, mothers-in-law, or

as yet unborn children.

 

We think today in particular of

Secretary of State Clinton,

though only very briefly,

for eaten parsnips are quickly

digested, and we must move on.

Democracy (and, for that matter,

dictatorship) have their own outcomes.

This being the case, if President-elect

Duck wants to build a crazy golf course

in every front garden on this island,

I will work closely with compliant

urban district councils, sympathetic

journalists, and members of the judiciary

to have the necessary planning

fast-tracked.

 

And rest assured, every opportunity

that presents itself, either

I or one of my Ministers will be there

to shake his hand,

or any other part of his anatomy

President-elect, Donald J.

Duck, wants shaken.

 

KEVIN HIGGINS