Archive for the ‘Features’ Category
a poem by Kevin Higgins
While gutless others shivered
alone in wardrobes of their own making,
debating whether to kill
by strangling, or have sexual intercourse with,
you strode into our national crisis
stage left stylish
as a string quartet about to fiddle out
on viola, cello, Stradivarius
something by the late Benjamin Britten;
a set of implausibly perfect teeth attached
to what sounded like a brain.
Your intelligence so vast
you had to get the builders in
to extend the dome of your skull
to accommodate a Masters
degree from Harvard.
Not content to be the usual
slight disappointment, you reveal
yourself to be the thinking wing
of the Foster and Allen Party; politically flexible
as a cross-community Belfast brothel;
slick as rubbery bacon; aesthetically pleasing
as a Chicken Snack Box thrice reheated
before nine o’clock in the morning
or a third hand pair of trousers grown
pungent with badly digested cabbage;
but destined tonight to be wildly applauded
in darkest Arklow by those who’ll have
the shirts torn from their backs
when next the market crashes.
Sometimes I think my thoughts
are being controlled remotely
by Sir Oswald Mosley’s late wife,
who lived many happy years
in the French countryside.
Everywhere I look
I see Jews I mean Muslems.
In the future armed police will be allowed
ask men of the Hebrew, sorry, Islamist variety
to remove their skull caps
and the women their hair,
to make sure they’re hiding nothing
Any court which attempts to prevent this
will be overruled by President Moi.
Those we know are plotting against us,
but against whom we, as of yet,
have no evidence, will be held
at processing plants
on the outskirts of Marseille
or on the rockier side of Elba,
until they’re no longer able
to do anything to anyone.
Any extremists caught poisoning wells
will be dropped from helicopters
hovering over the less scenic parts
of the Algerian desert.
All practising Rabbis, sorry, Imams
will be made take a state exam
to ensure they’re no longer
encouraging children in their care
to take over the world and make us
their sex slaves.
To the enemas of liberty and La Republique
I say this: as President
I will construct a machine
to monitor the formation of your thoughts,
so we’ll know what you’re cooking up for us
before you’ve even gone to market to get
those screaming Tunisian chillies.
by Jamison Maeda
Numbering as many as 5 million in the early 20th century, the population of the majestic African elephant has been reduced to only a few hundred thousand due to the demand for ivory by the world’s nouveau riche. It is estimated that 100 elephants are brutally killed each day by poachers.
But last week, China announced a ban on its ivory trade by the end of 2017. This is a cause for excitement for animal activists around the globe.
“It’s a game-changer, and could be the pivotal turning point that brings elephants back from the brink of extinction,” says Elly Pepper, of the Natural Resources Defense Council in New York. “…ending the legal ivory trade in China, the world’s largest consumer of elephant ivory, is critical to saving the species.”
Conservation group WWF also welcomed China’s announcement as a signal of the end to the world’s primary legal ivory market,and a “major boost to international efforts to tackle the elephant poaching crisis…”
after Enda Kenny
Donald J. Duck on his election
as forty fifth, and possibly final,
President of that great entity
traditionally known as the United
States which, admittedly,
by the time he’s finished with it,
will likely be called something else.
In the heat of battle President-elect
Duck has said things
which have left him with bridges to build
with certain people, such as Mexican
transsexuals, and women
who don’t want him,
or anyone politically
associated with him even thinking
about grabbing their
vaginas, or the vaginas of their
friends, mothers-in-law, or
as yet unborn children.
We think today in particular of
Secretary of State Clinton,
though only very briefly,
for eaten parsnips are quickly
digested, and we must move on.
Democracy (and, for that matter,
dictatorship) have their own outcomes.
This being the case, if President-elect
Duck wants to build a crazy golf course
in every front garden on this island,
I will work closely with compliant
urban district councils, sympathetic
journalists, and members of the judiciary
to have the necessary planning
And rest assured, every opportunity
that presents itself, either
I or one of my Ministers will be there
to shake his hand,
or any other part of his anatomy
President-elect, Donald J.
Duck, wants shaken.