Archive for the ‘Features’ Category
Emperor Caligula was credited with appointing his favourite horse as Consul. Kevin Higgins reckons our great Emperor Enda is more of the piebald pony pedigree as he prepares for re-election…
The Case for The Re-Election of Caligula’s Piebald Pony
He’s put the I back into Ireland, taken us far
in the right direction;
made this once again a country fit
for Sister Stan to have visions
of equality in. He has worked
with our European partners
to put an end to the centuries young history
of misunderstanding between the peoples
of Burma and Bolivia,
and brokered a Christmas truce
between Loughrea and Portumna
junior hurling teams so,
if it wasn’t for the threat of more flooding,
the people of those towns would now
be safely walking the streets,
like they did in his father’s time.
Despite the difficulties he’s faced,
and those he’s not faced,
he’s worked all the days and nights it took
to make sure that in our capital city
every child below a certain threshold
has a modest hotel room in which
to grow up and dream
of one day letting in
the goal that finally wins
Mayo the All Ireland, made sure
even the least valuable among us
has a pavement on which to lay
his or her troubled skull.
If re-elected to office, he will personally
give every pensioner
over the age of eighty,
still living in their own home,
a free Brazilian
to help them with the washing up,
or when needs be, the hoovering.
He is committed, or should be,
to providing you the people of this island,
which he understands you call ‘Ireland’,
with new challenges in the form
of more heart attacks, traffic and pressure
on public transport.
If he could speak,
which we hope he one day will,
he’d ask you – the plain people
of up and down this country – to please
have as much faith in him,
as his investors continue to do.
Mick Wallace, an independent, democratically elected public representative in Ireland’s first house of Parliament, has been arrested and will be brought to Limerick Prison. The reason for his arrest was his attempt, along with Clare Daly TD, to inspect US military planes at Shannon. As his actions were undertaken entirely in the pursuit of peace, Shannonwatch calls for his immediate release.
Premature Elegy for Hilary Benn
A chandelier accent
comes galloping to the aid
of things as they must remain.
A perfect bag of air, with a mouth
that can sound out the word
He heroically picks up the test-tube
to pour out the blood of others.
He believes, passionately, in allies
the Prime Minister invented
while smoking a large herbal cigarette
Boris gave him the other morning;
perseveres, stoically, when those
who, in traditional times,
didn’t have telephones
call his office to tell his staff
what he is, or say the truth
about him on Twitbook.
Eventually, he’ll go upstairs
to not sit at the right hand
of his father, who’ll be too busy
trying to light his pipe,
or having a difference of emphasis
with the late Vladimir Lenin
over a ginormous mug of tea,
to be bothered with Junior’s excuses
for having spent
his final years on Earth
in a vast red robe
banging on the door
of the House of Lords,
shouting for someone to, please,
let him in.
Last Wednesday 21 October six US marine corps F18 Hornet fighter aircraft were making the journey from the Middle East back to the USA via the UK. One of these F18 aircraft crashed in Cambridgeshire reportedly after failing to make a mid air refuelling linkup. These six F18 fighters had most likely been involved in bombing campaigns in the Middle East. They had travelled from Bahrain. We don’t know why there were returning to the US – it may have been for upgrading. The pilot of the crashed jet ejected but was killed.